So yeah, this will be my individual blog. If you want to follow, feel free. I won't be linking this to FB either, so let me know if you want a text. It is a public site though, so you can sign up to follow.
Getting started then....
My mood has been down lately but I've been trying. We were 4 weeks on my income alone and that was scaring me to no end. But hell, what were we gonna do but get through it, yknow?
While I am super glad he found a job I am also worried to no end that he will quit, because the hours are wonky and he doesn't like it. But he HAS to stick it out, even though it stinks. I am trying to drum up more sympathy for him, but I can't. Mostly because he knew this job was miserable and he really didn't push anything but this one. I know this probably makes me a hateful person. I just can't seem to feel any other way right now.
Kahne and his teacher are frustrating me like crazy. I have no idea what to do with either of them. I'm angry with Kahne for not working, but I dont know if there is an actual reason he cant concentrate. I'm angry with her for not working with him (and us) more. Im angry with the school system that we have to hear about everything at the end of every school year when we should have known all along. I just think there's a whole lot of room for improvement there.
KaeLee. She is just KaeLee. It kills me that she is so cute but still so rotten.
And back to me.
Death has been on my mind lately. We lose so many people whom we never thought we'd lose. I've lost friends, family members, the yong and the old, expected and unexpected. And every single day I wonder. When I saw K, could I have said more? When I saw B, how could I have known to hug him tighter and say goodbye? When we spent that last night partying with A, was there anything we could've said? I wish E was still with us, smiling that beautiful smile....
I've made my peace with most of my family, we knew they were going. But I wish I had seen GS one last time. I wish my brother knew what a wonderful family he was born into. I wish my fuckin mother wasnt so vindictive.
Death is the end of us. The body decays, the spark that makes a person real is gone. Memories change and fade until the person who was a gnarly old curmudegeon becomes a saint. I don't want that. I know that I am not a saint. I know there is more I could and probably should do. I wish that I were closer to certain people and further from others.
I believe that spirits exist. I believe in an individual Heaven. I may never see those folks again. I would say that's okay, but it's not. I miss them, I just hope that they miss me too. I hope that they know how much they were loved.
I hope I am enough of who I am. I hope you know how I feel about you. I wish I could say if I died today I would have no regrets. But that's ridiculous. I think everyone would. Just know that if I say I love you I mean it, if I say I hate you you probably deserve it. Sorry, but I don't hate without reason.
Geez, this is a happy topic huh? Sorry, I will make my next one better.
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