Today I just don't have the words. Actually yes I do. Pissy. I am definitely pissy. I'm done with stupid, crappy, low paying jobs and stupid supervisors. I'm done with being nice and doing more. I'm just fucking done.
I go on unemployment after Friday until late July. Which is good. Because if I wasn't I'm honestly not sure that I wouldn't quit before then.
In the meantime, I am looking. Looking for new opportunities. All sorts.
I'm ready to be out.
I want so much. A lot it seems.
My want list:
A clean house
Grateful children
To be alone sometimes
To feel better
To workout more
To not stress about getting fired over education
To not be forced into going back to school when I am not even sure it's what I want
To drive without having to calculate how much gas money I am burning and if we can afford it
To know if Uncle Sam is going to take Corey away
And if he does, to know how long it will be
To go to Missouri-with Kasey
To go to Hawaii (eventually)
To go on training runs with Melon
To do more bike rides with Melissa
To not be annoyed whilst on the telephone
To get out of this freakin sucky rut.
I want to be better. To get better.
Oh and to not be pissy.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Friday, May 31, 2013
Heartbroken. What a horrible word. Every fiber of my being HATES this word; but it exists. And it exists for a reason. How else to describe the worst sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach? The literal creaking of your chest and ribs as you hear the worst news? The shattering of every thoughts breaking through the glass panes in your mind? And how do you heal?
To quote one of my faves:
"Fellow Graduates, the answer is simple." ::fumbles with note cards:: "The answer is....the answer is.....I don't know."
**Disclaimer: I looked for a YouTube clip for this-none to be found. Boo!**
This month has been a devastating one not only for our state but for some of our friends and family as well.
In light of the tornadoes and storms I just have to say:
As always, I am truly proud to be an Okie and call Oklahoma home. I just can't imagine living anywhere else. I've lived in several places here and it just doesn't get any better.
Except maybe Hawaii-one day I will get there, I swear! lol
To quote one of my faves:
"Fellow Graduates, the answer is simple." ::fumbles with note cards:: "The answer is....the answer is.....I don't know."
**Disclaimer: I looked for a YouTube clip for this-none to be found. Boo!**
This month has been a devastating one not only for our state but for some of our friends and family as well.
In light of the tornadoes and storms I just have to say:
As always, I am truly proud to be an Okie and call Oklahoma home. I just can't imagine living anywhere else. I've lived in several places here and it just doesn't get any better.
Except maybe Hawaii-one day I will get there, I swear! lol
Anyway, I just want to say to those friends out there: I am here. I love you. And I will do anything that I can to help. If that means fundraising, web searching, driving, feeding-whatever I can do. I've had my heart broken enough to know the pain of finding out your child is sick. The pain of knowing you have to say goodbye to the family member you love more than your own life. The thought of leaving, of walking away, of creating more. I love you. More than you know.
I AM HERE.
Let's Go.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Hop On Pop and Other Such Nonsense...
So, odd fact about me:
I find friends in the most unusual places.
Everything ranging from the grocery store to the line to drop off my kiddo at school to a seventh grade locker and an embarrassing friend; I collect 'em everywhere. We've come and gone and sometimes walked out of each others' lives but sometimes, you get to keep them. But why should I be so blessed? Why do I get the priveledge of having these fan-freaking-tastic people in my life??? In the end, I really believe it boils down to one thing.
Loyalty.
It kinda makes your cringe just to read it huh? Like me and my friends are a pack of slobbery, shaggy golden retrievers running around a park chasing a gross, slimy tennis ball.
Wait, come to think of it.....I might have some friends that look like that....Haha.
Seriously, I have a about 500 "friends" on FB. And while I do personally "know" everyone of them, I don't count them as my real friends. I have a handful; literally, a handful; of people I know I can truly count on and rely on. If I called, there is no doubt in my mind they would be there. I am so grateful to them for knowing me at my worst, and loving me at my best. Makes me an awfully lucky person, especially since sometimes, I am not a great friend.
Life interferes. Work, kids, marriage, hell even a flat tire can literally change your friendship "status". I have lost friends I swore I would grow old with. I've kept friends whom I never thought would be more than a passing fling.
Loyalty has kept us all coming back. We have survived marriages and miscarriages, divorces, deaths, births, car wrecks and heart wrecks. We've been bloodied, bruised and hurting beyond measure. We have been proud, encouraging, amazing and beautiful. We have told each other, in the words of one of my favorite people, "Pretty good-but not great."-Julia Child. And walked away unoffended and giggling.
And, at the end of the day, within all the text messages, the emails, the 3 am phone calls and then occasional visits, I know who has my back. When the chips are down I know who I am calling and I guarantee that that person has more love for me than I have any right to deserve.
To all of you out there, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, all the way around the universe and back, thank you.
You mean the world to me, and I couldn't imagine my life without you.
I find friends in the most unusual places.
Everything ranging from the grocery store to the line to drop off my kiddo at school to a seventh grade locker and an embarrassing friend; I collect 'em everywhere. We've come and gone and sometimes walked out of each others' lives but sometimes, you get to keep them. But why should I be so blessed? Why do I get the priveledge of having these fan-freaking-tastic people in my life??? In the end, I really believe it boils down to one thing.
Loyalty.
It kinda makes your cringe just to read it huh? Like me and my friends are a pack of slobbery, shaggy golden retrievers running around a park chasing a gross, slimy tennis ball.
Wait, come to think of it.....I might have some friends that look like that....Haha.
Seriously, I have a about 500 "friends" on FB. And while I do personally "know" everyone of them, I don't count them as my real friends. I have a handful; literally, a handful; of people I know I can truly count on and rely on. If I called, there is no doubt in my mind they would be there. I am so grateful to them for knowing me at my worst, and loving me at my best. Makes me an awfully lucky person, especially since sometimes, I am not a great friend.
Life interferes. Work, kids, marriage, hell even a flat tire can literally change your friendship "status". I have lost friends I swore I would grow old with. I've kept friends whom I never thought would be more than a passing fling.
Loyalty has kept us all coming back. We have survived marriages and miscarriages, divorces, deaths, births, car wrecks and heart wrecks. We've been bloodied, bruised and hurting beyond measure. We have been proud, encouraging, amazing and beautiful. We have told each other, in the words of one of my favorite people, "Pretty good-but not great."-Julia Child. And walked away unoffended and giggling.
And, at the end of the day, within all the text messages, the emails, the 3 am phone calls and then occasional visits, I know who has my back. When the chips are down I know who I am calling and I guarantee that that person has more love for me than I have any right to deserve.
To all of you out there, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, all the way around the universe and back, thank you.
You mean the world to me, and I couldn't imagine my life without you.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Rocco's Modern Life
So yeah, this will be my individual blog. If you want to follow, feel free. I won't be linking this to FB either, so let me know if you want a text. It is a public site though, so you can sign up to follow.
Getting started then....
My mood has been down lately but I've been trying. We were 4 weeks on my income alone and that was scaring me to no end. But hell, what were we gonna do but get through it, yknow?
While I am super glad he found a job I am also worried to no end that he will quit, because the hours are wonky and he doesn't like it. But he HAS to stick it out, even though it stinks. I am trying to drum up more sympathy for him, but I can't. Mostly because he knew this job was miserable and he really didn't push anything but this one. I know this probably makes me a hateful person. I just can't seem to feel any other way right now.
Kahne and his teacher are frustrating me like crazy. I have no idea what to do with either of them. I'm angry with Kahne for not working, but I dont know if there is an actual reason he cant concentrate. I'm angry with her for not working with him (and us) more. Im angry with the school system that we have to hear about everything at the end of every school year when we should have known all along. I just think there's a whole lot of room for improvement there.
KaeLee. She is just KaeLee. It kills me that she is so cute but still so rotten.
And back to me.
Death has been on my mind lately. We lose so many people whom we never thought we'd lose. I've lost friends, family members, the yong and the old, expected and unexpected. And every single day I wonder. When I saw K, could I have said more? When I saw B, how could I have known to hug him tighter and say goodbye? When we spent that last night partying with A, was there anything we could've said? I wish E was still with us, smiling that beautiful smile....
I've made my peace with most of my family, we knew they were going. But I wish I had seen GS one last time. I wish my brother knew what a wonderful family he was born into. I wish my fuckin mother wasnt so vindictive.
Death is the end of us. The body decays, the spark that makes a person real is gone. Memories change and fade until the person who was a gnarly old curmudegeon becomes a saint. I don't want that. I know that I am not a saint. I know there is more I could and probably should do. I wish that I were closer to certain people and further from others.
I believe that spirits exist. I believe in an individual Heaven. I may never see those folks again. I would say that's okay, but it's not. I miss them, I just hope that they miss me too. I hope that they know how much they were loved.
I hope I am enough of who I am. I hope you know how I feel about you. I wish I could say if I died today I would have no regrets. But that's ridiculous. I think everyone would. Just know that if I say I love you I mean it, if I say I hate you you probably deserve it. Sorry, but I don't hate without reason.
Geez, this is a happy topic huh? Sorry, I will make my next one better.
Getting started then....
My mood has been down lately but I've been trying. We were 4 weeks on my income alone and that was scaring me to no end. But hell, what were we gonna do but get through it, yknow?
While I am super glad he found a job I am also worried to no end that he will quit, because the hours are wonky and he doesn't like it. But he HAS to stick it out, even though it stinks. I am trying to drum up more sympathy for him, but I can't. Mostly because he knew this job was miserable and he really didn't push anything but this one. I know this probably makes me a hateful person. I just can't seem to feel any other way right now.
Kahne and his teacher are frustrating me like crazy. I have no idea what to do with either of them. I'm angry with Kahne for not working, but I dont know if there is an actual reason he cant concentrate. I'm angry with her for not working with him (and us) more. Im angry with the school system that we have to hear about everything at the end of every school year when we should have known all along. I just think there's a whole lot of room for improvement there.
KaeLee. She is just KaeLee. It kills me that she is so cute but still so rotten.
And back to me.
Death has been on my mind lately. We lose so many people whom we never thought we'd lose. I've lost friends, family members, the yong and the old, expected and unexpected. And every single day I wonder. When I saw K, could I have said more? When I saw B, how could I have known to hug him tighter and say goodbye? When we spent that last night partying with A, was there anything we could've said? I wish E was still with us, smiling that beautiful smile....
I've made my peace with most of my family, we knew they were going. But I wish I had seen GS one last time. I wish my brother knew what a wonderful family he was born into. I wish my fuckin mother wasnt so vindictive.
Death is the end of us. The body decays, the spark that makes a person real is gone. Memories change and fade until the person who was a gnarly old curmudegeon becomes a saint. I don't want that. I know that I am not a saint. I know there is more I could and probably should do. I wish that I were closer to certain people and further from others.
I believe that spirits exist. I believe in an individual Heaven. I may never see those folks again. I would say that's okay, but it's not. I miss them, I just hope that they miss me too. I hope that they know how much they were loved.
I hope I am enough of who I am. I hope you know how I feel about you. I wish I could say if I died today I would have no regrets. But that's ridiculous. I think everyone would. Just know that if I say I love you I mean it, if I say I hate you you probably deserve it. Sorry, but I don't hate without reason.
Geez, this is a happy topic huh? Sorry, I will make my next one better.
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